The College Football Guide to Scheduling a Homecoming Opponent

It's the time of year when universities around the country are celebrating homecoming weekend.  This involves alumni returning to school, seeing old friends, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, 30-somethings thinking they have a chance with college coeds (they do!), and occasionally donating to the alumni fund. 

Homecoming is often centered around a home game for the college football team.  For the school and alumni alike, it is an important event.  There are a few actions that the athletic department and football team can take in order to make the experience more enjoyable; namely schedule an appropriate opponent and win the game at all cost.  

Why aren't we playing Northwestern State?
(from SI.com)

It can be difficult for teams and athletic departments to choose an opponent that is right for them.  This is an example of what not to do.

UK drops 44-31 to Georgia. 

So, in honor of Kentucky's Homecoming FAIL of last weekend, it is recommended that all schools consult these guidelines, while determining possible exceptions to the rules, in order to schedule a homecoming opponent that is right for them.  In doing so, they will achieve their objective, winning the game.

With this in mind, I figure it's time to publish a theory that a friend and I created a few years back, called "The College Football Guide to Scheduling a Homecoming Opponent."

Rule #1.  Do not, I repeat, do not schedule a team like Florida, Ohio State, Alabama, Oklahoma, or any perennial college football powerhouse (LIKE GEORGIA - do you hear me Kentucky???).  Alumni do not want to return to school, only to see their team getting thumped 35-0 before they've made it from the tailgate party to the stadium.  The only people happy about that are the local bar owners.  I know this from having normally been posted up at the local bar by halftime.  So, avoid scheduling Florida as your homecoming opponent, and avoid losing 72-3.

Rule #2.  You may schedule a WEAK conference opponent.  If you are an SEC school, try scheduling Vanderbilt.  In the Big 10, pick Indiana or Northwestern.  In the ACC, Duke will do nicely.  Sure, they are smarter than you, and may be better in basketball, but you should be able to handle them on the football field.

Rule # 3.  Vanderbilt can't be every team's homecoming opponent (kudos to Georgia, Arkansas, and UConn for scheduling them in 2010), so you can also try for an inferior in-state "rival".  I say "rival", not in the sense of Florida - Florida State rivalry, but more like a little brother, in the way that Ohio University would make a terrific homecoming punching bag for Ohio State.  Plus, Ohio University was probably many of the student's safety school, adding to the enjoyment of browbeating them.  Miami of Ohio, aka "The Other Miami", is also acceptable.  Tennessee can schedule Memphis, Chattanooga, Middle Tennessee, or Eastern Tennessee State University in the years that Vandy is not an option.

Rule # 4.  Schedule a directional school.  There are many choices.  Eastern Michigan, Western Michigan, there's even a Central Michigan.  Middle Tennessee and Eastern Tennessee State will always be acceptable, as they fit multiple categories.  Middle or Central Anywhere University is a nice homecoming score.  The more categories the opponent satisfies, the better.
 
Rule # 5.  If directional schools are good homecoming opponents, double-directional schools are even better.  Think Southwest Missouri State, Southeastern Louisiana, and Northwestern State (jackpot!).

Rule # 6.  Schedule a "state that's not a state".  This is a long list, and includes such possibilities as Ball State (what exactly is the State of Ball?), San Jose State, Sam Houston State, Kent State, Weber State, McNeese State, Northwestern State (again!) and many more.  Often these are FCS (1-AA) schools, but that's ok (see Rule #8). 

Rule # 7.  Schedule a hyphenated school.  Many of these schools exist in Louisiana and are often satellite campuses of a state university system.  They "have hyphen - will travel". 

Rule # 8.  If you are one of the aforementioned potential homecoming sacrificial lambs, you still have a  homecoming game of your own to schedule.  Keep in mind, there is usually somebody worse than you.  You just may have to go down a division to find them.  But be careful scheduling the best teams in the division below yours.  James Madison, Appalachian State, New Hampshire, Montana, Villanova, Delaware, Northern Iowa and William & Mary can beat you.  Instead, schools like Vanderbilt and Kentucky should try to schedule Northwestern State, Southeast Missouri State and Middle Tennessee as future homecoming opponents.

Rule # 9.  Most agricultural, mechanical, and technology schools are fair game.  Be careful with Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech and Texas A&M.

Rule # 10.  Most colleges named after people are also fair game for homecoming.  You should be able to beat James Madison (cough, Virginia Tech, cough).

Rule #11.  Any Ivy League school would make a great opponent, but that is unlikely to occur.  They play a tight schedule and don't need the revenue an out of conference road game generates.  Or they're just too smart to subject themselves to that sort of punishment.

Rule # 12.  Do not insult our nations fine military academies by making them your homecoming opponent.  They deserve your respect.  Navy and Air Force might just pull off an upset (Notre Dame, I'm looking in your direction).

These are rough guidelines, meaning that there are exceptions, some of which we have identified.  If a possible exception is unclear, or perhaps you are wondering if Southern California, Boise State, Appalachian State or Georgia Tech would be an ideal homecoming opponent, consult their records, research their history, and double check the national rankings. 

You will find that the guidelines are good, and it is best to let someone else play Boise State or USC.