The College Football Guide to Scheduling a Homecoming Opponent

It's the time of year when universities around the country are celebrating homecoming weekend.  This involves alumni returning to school, seeing old friends, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, 30-somethings thinking they have a chance with college coeds (they do!), and occasionally donating to the alumni fund. 

Homecoming is often centered around a home game for the college football team.  For the school and alumni alike, it is an important event.  There are a few actions that the athletic department and football team can take in order to make the experience more enjoyable; namely schedule an appropriate opponent and win the game at all cost.  

Why aren't we playing Northwestern State?
(from SI.com)

It can be difficult for teams and athletic departments to choose an opponent that is right for them.  This is an example of what not to do.

UK drops 44-31 to Georgia. 

So, in honor of Kentucky's Homecoming FAIL of last weekend, it is recommended that all schools consult these guidelines, while determining possible exceptions to the rules, in order to schedule a homecoming opponent that is right for them.  In doing so, they will achieve their objective, winning the game.

With this in mind, I figure it's time to publish a theory that a friend and I created a few years back, called "The College Football Guide to Scheduling a Homecoming Opponent."